CDC Updates Guidance for Outdoor Mask Wearing, but Continues to Discourage Having Sex in a Public Bathroom

Atlanta, GA — On Tuesday, the Centers for Disease Control announced that those who are vaccinated can now gather outside maskless; however, the public health agency maintained that fornicating in a public restroom is a bad idea. At a press conference Tuesday, Director Rochelle Walensky noted that “not wearing a mask outdoors does not mean that you sick fucks can start going at it in the bathroom at the mall.” Director Walensky continued “we really hope you stop asking.” CDC data suggests that there is significant risk of contracting a range of diseases, from scurvy to the bubonic plague, while boning in a public john. Additionally, walking in on public bathroom sex has the potential to cause extreme emotional distress for many, including Dan, the janitor at your local Regal Cinemas.